small, tiny size trust

Trust. What an incredibly simple but overwhelmingly profound word. The action of the word that is. because boy is it an action word. Like maybe if I just stare at the word long enough then it’ll happen. The action will take place if I just say the word over and over and over. I’ve been wrestling a bit with this action word “trust.” Which is funny because I would be the first to say that I trust God with everything and everyone in my life. I didn’t used to trust him though. As a matter of fact, I used to know very little about him, compared to today that is. I used to never be able to trust him with my husband, my kids, myself…

So this morning to hear the words, you don’t trust God was like… huh. 

I think it’s really easy to compartmentalize it. I mean, we are pros at compartmentalizing. It’s easy for us to say “ok God I 1000% trust you with __________ but with this hurt and this pain over here…yeah not sure if I can go there all the way with you. You see, I’ve been hurt by this over and over and over and over and I just have no hope anymore so I’m just going to throw it away and pretend I don’t need to face the trust issue on that.”

The last few days I have been struggling with trusting God in this one area. Because frankly, it felt like last time he allowed me to be hurt and I had felt mistreated. It was a very painful experience for me and I didn’t want to be hurt again so I had my guard up. I was in self protection mode. And when you’re in self protection mode, you shut everyone out and rely on yourself. You quit hearing the Spirit’s voice and you think of all the ways to control the situation. Anxiety floods in and all you do is worry. At least that’s exactly what I do!

You see, my husband and I suffered a miscarriage about 8 months ago. I struggled thinking God didn’t protect me from the pain like I thought he should. Like it was his fault. He allowed this to happen and so it’s his fault.

I was being tempted in my suffering.

I did heal from it but when we found out we were pregnant again, it was only a matter of time before the feelings came back and the fears flooded in. Could I trust God this time around? Quickly I started to believe I couldn’t. I couldn’t trust God with this baby. With me. 

And so back to this morning, I heard the words “you don’t trust God.” and for some reason when I heard these words apart from the current reason for lack of trust, I began to acknowledge that I really didn’t trust him. And that cut deep. It’s God almighty we are talking about! He has never ever ever let me fall, has always always taken care of me and has continued time and time again to be faithful. The God who rescued me from darkness and brought me into the light through his son. Who hides me and lets me rest in the shelter of his wings. Who sets my feet on solid ground. Who created the sun and moon that rises and sets every. single. day. I am insane to not trust him. 

It took God separating the truth of not trusting him from my reason for not, to get me to see. It took reminding me of who he is and how trustworthy he has always been to realize, THIS is nothing bigger than the rest of those things. It may feel bigger to me, but to God there is no bigger and smaller. 

Is there something you don’t trust God with? Or Someone? Is it too big to trust him with? To God nothing is too big or small. If that’s the case then, the small things you feel like you can trust him with are no different than the big things.  Not to him anyways! Do you want to see God move powerfully in your life? Trust him with your big things. He wants to show you his power. Our small, tiny size trust will only see small tiny size God. 

2 thoughts on “small, tiny size trust

  1. So sorry to hear about your miscarriage. I can only imagine the pain and grief you experienced in this loss.😪🤗😪🤗😪🤗 Do the doctors know why this happened?
    Congratulations on being a mommy again!!! When are you due? I will be praying for you. Keep trusting🤗❤

    Like

  2. Thanks momma Wallace! I have an idea why physically. Her name is Jayton and translated means a million victories. The Lord shared with us we were having a girl and although it was a very rough time in our lives, knowing her name and what it meant was peaceful and reassuring. If she didn’t skip Earth, we wouldn’t be having this new little one. 🙂
    Due in April.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s