To and Fro

This was about to start off with sooo….2020, then I thought ugh I’ve heard enough about it why keep writing about it. But, I still want to talk about it. Not the it though that everyone already knows about. Since you’re tired of it like me, I won’t bring up the C word one time. 😉

I really do have to say last year was the hardest year for me, and also the best year for me. My family and I don’t look the same as we did exactly a year ago. We look even better. Maybe our looks are older but the insides have changed for the better.

Ever run into an old friend you haven’t seen for a few years and you only have five minutes to catch up before you have to be on your way? There’s a bazillion things you want to share but don’t have enough time to share it all? That’s how this feels! I think I’m going to have to request that we spend some extra time together just to catch up. Deal?

Being stuck in a false identity sucks. It just does.

You operate out of “someone” else. You do things that aren’t you, you say things that aren’t you, and the scary thing is you don’t even know it!

It brings so much pressure on you because you’re living in a realm you weren’t created to be in.

Well, that was us earlier last year. We thought our identity was only in church ministry. So when God told us to step out to rest and focus on family, there were thoughts of, “But I won’t have purpose anymore,” “Everyone will view me as invaluable…a failure.”

Stepping down from church ministry was something hard to let go. And, I think I know why.

For us, that’s all we had known. Jamie and I had been in church ministry year after year. We truly felt like if we chose to step out of that role, we would amount to nothing. Failures…scum.

Harsh but the truth.

Then, God used hardship and pain in our family to open our eyes to where our identity had been placed this whole time. You know, it’s easy to say “God is all I need and he’s more important to me than anything.” I had been saying it for years. But until you are striped from everything is when that statement is put to the test.

Pornography resurfaced again in our marriage, crippling me yet again. I had reoccurring episodes of severe abdominal pains, and our church plant wasn’t progressing at all. It had felt like it was all piling up.

It’s crazy how swiftly things in life can be going along to all of a sudden halt.

That was when God began to work on my heart and even Jamie’s too. It was time for me to get help for me. I was tired of being tossed to and fro by every storm that came, like a tree that’s not sturdy.

God brought me to a book called, “When Your Husband is Addicted to Pornography: Healing Your Wounded Heart” by Vicki Tiede. And from there I found an online ministry and support group.

It was in that book that God just came ALIVE. Through healing my heart he gave me a new purpose, a new identity. One that was found solely in him. I couldn’t believe what I had been missing out on for so long. It honestly didn’t matter if the relationship with my husband was broken, or my body could never seem to be normal, or that the church plant wasn’t progressing; my identity was now untouchable. Because it was found in the One who is impenetrable.

A daughter, chosen. Made unmistakable. Loved unconditionally. A purpose chosen for me that did NOT include failure or pain or consequences of someone else’s actions. Did you catch that? A purpose that did not include failure. That’s not what God chose.

For once, I felt like the strongest tree, that was planted deep along the riverbank. In the worst of the worst droughts, my leaves stayed green.

While God was working on me, he was working on my husband as well–showing him where he had been living in a false identity.


Discovering our true identity brought so much freedom. We couldn’t do that for ourselves. God through Christ did.

So, today, January 2nd, 2021, I am not a church planter anymore. I am not free of physical pain and I am not free from the scars of sexual betrayal, BUT I am covered, I am secure, and I am found in the Lord.

Nothing can change that, even if I tried.

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